Okay so I missed a post last night, but I was doing something to bring a little fun into my life. I was watching movies with my husband. I even bought dinner,so he did not have to cook. Granted it was fast food and I hate fast food now, I still was having fun and we laughed and talked. Something we have not done much of late.

It is very hard to be on bed rest, it is very hard for him to have to take over all the duties, and he hates so many of the duties that are mine. Which makes them even worse in his mind. If only he could understand that I hate these duties too and they are part of what has made me so unhappy all of these years. I mean it does not take a rocket scientist to figure out that I am not happy. I am 475 pounds right now. Granted part of that is because I am 7 months pregnant, and part of that is just plain old living a life that I am not enjoying.

It did not start with marriage though and not all of this is his fault. As a matter of fact none of it can really be his fault, because I agreed to do this or that his way because I wanted to be married. He may have been unfair and selfish in his pushings and request, but in the end I am the one that has agreed to them. Things like I was not ready to be pregnant the first time. I would never give up my children and I love them fiercely, but I was not ready to pregnant and alone while he went off to fight a war. I am not strong enough some days to be the mother of two special needs kids. I admit it willingly, but I know of no one that could take this challenge on day after day with no outside help and be able to do it everyday the right way. I was not equipped nor did I ever wish to be a stay at home wife and mother. I am much better when I feel that I have a purpose, yes being a mother and wife can be a purpose, but I was meant to do more than that. I was meant to have help at home, I have always known that, but that is not something that I have found yet.

All in all this sounds like complaints or a rant, but it is not. It is just the knowledge that I have. The things that I know about me, the things that I have pushed aside, because to go after what I want I have been told is selfish. I am sure that this is not true now after years of living and feeling this way. It is more selfish to sit by and resent the fact that you give and others keep taking. It is more selfish to expect that someday that they are going to pay you back for all that you just kept giving. And what happens when there comes a day you just can not give anymore or that you have given more than you could? Your health takes a nose dive and you then can not get the help you need from all those that you have been helping and they do not understand why you can't just keep giving. I have seen this lesson over and over and over again. I will not be that mother, that wife, that person that feels betrayed by others, when I did not bother to teach those same people that I had worth and meaning and that giving to myself was just as important as their own needs.

Yes this may mean that they will in turn have to learn to sacrifice somethings, but in the end they will also come to realize that it important for you to make sure that your happiness is just as important as theirs.

Well I had about three more paragraphs to this, but the save did not take. Rather than try to rewrite all of it, the jist of the day is that I have learned what it is to make myself happy, that it is not a price that others will have to pay so that my needs are met too, but a joy to make sure that the person, that gives to everyone else has something to give to everyone else when they needed. Who needs a wife or mommy that is going to bite your head off when all you really needed was some hug or maybe even some straighting out. Wives and Mommies should always be able to make sure that they have given enough to themselves so that they have something to give to their family in return.

It reminds me of Rich Dad, Poor Dad and the fact that you are supposed to always pay yourself first. It is true. If you wish to make your joy and happiness as successful as a say Donald Trump has in real estate, then you should always make sure that you are putting your true needs first so you have something to take care of everyone else with later. I am not saying go spend your grocery money to get a mani pedi or to take your rent money and go buy the newest gaming system. But if you need to get in the car and just go put your feet in the grass at the park do it. If you need to lock the door to the bath room and take a bubble bath, then do it.

Joy can come in knowledge, joy can come in peace, joy can come in the chaos of all your family running around you. Joy is much like beauty, in the eye of the beholder. So find what it is that brings joy to you. Do it. Write about it, draw it, or take a picture of some aspect of it. Share it with others if you so wish, just go out and experience it.