Change

Okay so here it is another morning, and since I have been on bed rest, it seems that all we do is nothing. I am not exactly cool with this and as the nesting starts to take affect, I am really getting antsy over it. I have never really enjoyed this part of our family life.

My husband believes that we should all just go off, do our own things, get basically nothing done, and entertain ourselves. However, this is not a life in my opinion. I do not see how video games or ignoring housework, homework, or any other chore or thing that needs to get done as bringing us closer together as a family. I want for our children to know the value of work and what it means to have pride in yourself. You do not learn that from playing video games or star wars action figures or my little ponies all day.

Yes we do have a very hectic schedule that no one enjoys. I think they have too much therapy, but then again, it is not like I have help here at home. No one seems to think that they should have to be responsible for making sure that therapies continue at home. I feel isolated. It makes me steaming mad. Mad at my husband because I feel that his approach to life at times is childish and selfish. Mad at his parents for raising him this way and supporting him when we argue about this. Mad because I cannot do all of it on my own, and mad because I feel like I have let our children down.

This is not to say that he is not trying or that he is not picking up an incredible amount of work, while I am on bed rest. Only that he does not value what it is that I do or the need for it in our lives. I am getting to understand that he believes that all the things I do around here are unnecessary and time wasting. He also does not believe that he should have to do any of them.

I know a few days ago, I thought he was really starting to get what it is that I do. I know that is not the case now. He has been making comments to me lately, about my needing help is ruining his plans for school and in some cases his life. I cannot begin to say how sad this really makes me. I feel like I am a failure, because I need his help with our family. I feel like a failure because I got pregnant. How is this supposed to be all my fault. Why is it that I am supposed to be super woman and all he is supposed to do is secure some type of funding to pay bills with and play games? I do not understand this form of logic.

I do have to say however, that this form of talk from him, reminds me daily of how I was told at least once a day how I was not good enough. How inadequate I am. I was a failure everyday according to those that raised me. Those statements caused such feelings of inadequacy, hurt, anguish, and pain. I will not tell you what it did to me. It is not worth it. However, I vowed when I was finally on my own, that I did not wish to be around others that put me down or blamed me for their problems. Not to mention their lack of wanting to do things. Yet here I am, surrounded by a family of my choosing that is doing this to me NOW!

It is time for a change. I am not exactly sure how I am going to initiate this plan. I do know that for my own sanity and for the health of my family this has got to happen. I will not be able to do this on my own for long. I know it will probably have to wait till this little guy is born, but it has got to happen, or everything I have worked so hard to accomplish in my family is going to fall apart. I wish I had a magic wand, but then I know that what I got would not be real. I want real. I want functioning. I want people that participate in our lives and those that take responsibility for their own actions.

Yep that is what I want. I want things to work. I want to make life, life, not an escape from responsibilities or things that have to get done.

Okay so this is the second time I have lost part of my post. I am want to make this change. I have all the time right now to think about the action I should take. I have all the time to make it formulate in my head. I am not sure how I am going to take back everything I was doing before, plus what is not working, plus a new baby, but I will have to find a way. I want a family that functions. I want that happiness. I want that joy. I want the bliss of fucntion and lack of chaos.