This has been an awesome week. I have had such great fun with the music thing I mentioned in my last post. You really do not have any idea how much this had really changed my thinking about myself. I really did not know how great this would be.
I have also had some really break through moments in the last few days. While the music has helped, I have thought about some of the choices that have gotten me to the point that got me to the place that I was. How was it that I got to be at such an unhappy place? Why did I allow my choices to always put my wants further out of reach?
I know that I felt that many of my choices were for the benefit of making my love happy. He does not like some of the things about me, but then they are part of what has made me the women I was. The one he feel in love with, the one he has in the past told me he misses. Well changing those things changed how I felt and thought. I know this now.
So what should I do? The answer is simple, find what it is that I am missing that makes me the woman I love and the one he fell in love with. (I am not saying he does not love me now, he says he loves me more than ever. He just wonders why am not as strong as I used to be.) While making sure to not over do it, I have a tendency to do that. Part of the probable was that while he loved her, he never did understand her.
I started working on this today. I freaked him out. I started working out. Not to mention I sort of demanded that I was going to eat something better for me than what was easy and quick. Not that I made anyone work hard on anything. I had a great salad with the dinner he made. I also helped him make breakfast. It was great. He got frustrated. I kept telling him how to make it. He has been the one make meals for almost the last year with all the things going on. I told him I know, but I want it made the way I want to eat it. I was trying not to be ugly, but still getting things done the way I want. I know he took it as I don’t like what he makes and does. Some things I do not. But that is okay. He has done a hell of a job.
So I am very happy day. The music is playing and I am back to posting and finding time to take care of me and them. It works. It is great. And I am really starting to feel freaking awesome. “H#$@ yay, turn it up.” That is how I feel about my life right now. Turn it up. I love it and this is just how I want to be spending my life!!!!!!! =D
Sunday, March 20, 2011
Friday, March 18, 2011
The Joy Experiment is still in progress!
The Joy Experiment is still in progress. I have not abandoned this project. I have not been posting, but I have been trying new things everyday to make the best of life. Today I had the time to write. And oh do I have so much to write about.
First I find it gratifying to have found the time and to have gotten the kids all doing something. Today is the first day I have had with no major explosions are outburst from the kids. My eldest son stomped away from me one time and had an ugly tone in his voice this morning, but he is getting along really well with his sister today. This is a real treat as his autism usually makes it very difficult for them to be together for more than a few minutes. He always wants to be alone, but in the same room. It drives her crazy. She just wants to be part of his world. She does not get his world. Nor does anyone get hers. She lives in this place where she thinks since she has CP we were all placed here for her services. LOL. Today they are just almost normal.
The baby is taking a nap. It took him a bit to go to sleep and whole lot of convincing. He thinks that daddy is his nappy time sleep spot, but daddy is not home today.
Okay so some of the things that I have been doing to make sure that I have joy in my life every day, are catching up with friends and family through Facebook. I started listening to the music I used to like before I got married. It brings me joy. I cannot tell you the experience I had the first few times I did this. It reminds me how grounded and strong I was. It reminds me that I can get there again. I know you are probably thinking what music does that. Well for me it is the country music. Not all of it, just this very uplifting, down to earth beat that takes me back to the woman I was and always have been.
I have changed so much over the years. That is not bad, but some of the paths that I travel to have the life I have now, do not always keep true to that girl/woman that I was. I liked her. I had to work hard to get to the knowledge and strength and love of self that she had discovered. I am not being untrue to myself or anything; I just make compromises for my family that keeps me from feeling like that a lot of the time.
That being said, I am learning now how to bring that woman back. It is awesome. I think being on bed rest for nearly a year (with my pregnancy with Liam and then the C section), stole part of me, the dealing with the kids and their needs have chipped away, and then comes my love. His intentions are never to hurt me or make me feel less, but often he does when he feels like it is all too much. However, those sound like excuses, I hate excuses. I am taking control of it all again. Some days are better than others. Today is one of those very awesome days.
First I find it gratifying to have found the time and to have gotten the kids all doing something. Today is the first day I have had with no major explosions are outburst from the kids. My eldest son stomped away from me one time and had an ugly tone in his voice this morning, but he is getting along really well with his sister today. This is a real treat as his autism usually makes it very difficult for them to be together for more than a few minutes. He always wants to be alone, but in the same room. It drives her crazy. She just wants to be part of his world. She does not get his world. Nor does anyone get hers. She lives in this place where she thinks since she has CP we were all placed here for her services. LOL. Today they are just almost normal.
The baby is taking a nap. It took him a bit to go to sleep and whole lot of convincing. He thinks that daddy is his nappy time sleep spot, but daddy is not home today.
Okay so some of the things that I have been doing to make sure that I have joy in my life every day, are catching up with friends and family through Facebook. I started listening to the music I used to like before I got married. It brings me joy. I cannot tell you the experience I had the first few times I did this. It reminds me how grounded and strong I was. It reminds me that I can get there again. I know you are probably thinking what music does that. Well for me it is the country music. Not all of it, just this very uplifting, down to earth beat that takes me back to the woman I was and always have been.
I have changed so much over the years. That is not bad, but some of the paths that I travel to have the life I have now, do not always keep true to that girl/woman that I was. I liked her. I had to work hard to get to the knowledge and strength and love of self that she had discovered. I am not being untrue to myself or anything; I just make compromises for my family that keeps me from feeling like that a lot of the time.
That being said, I am learning now how to bring that woman back. It is awesome. I think being on bed rest for nearly a year (with my pregnancy with Liam and then the C section), stole part of me, the dealing with the kids and their needs have chipped away, and then comes my love. His intentions are never to hurt me or make me feel less, but often he does when he feels like it is all too much. However, those sound like excuses, I hate excuses. I am taking control of it all again. Some days are better than others. Today is one of those very awesome days.
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